AITA for giving my wife an ultimatum about her Dr*nking after years of asking her to stop?

Just a quick disclaimer: this story involves substance use, relationship strain, and emotional burnout in a marriage.

I never thought I’d be the kind of husband to give an ultimatum, but I honestly feel like I’ve hit my limit.

I’m 42, my wife is 45, and for the past two years, I’ve been trying to talk to her about what I see as a serious Alc*hol problem. From my point of view, this didn’t come out of nowhere. This has been building for a long time. I’ve brought it up more times than I can count. I’ve tried to be calm, I’ve tried to show concern, and I’ve tried to explain that this isn’t just me being judgmental. It’s something that’s affecting how I see our life together.

The biggest issue is that she seems Dr*nk all the time.

Maybe not falling-over Dr*nk, maybe not creating dramatic scenes every single day, but enough that I notice it constantly. And when I bring it up, she shuts the conversation down. I’ve asked her why she drinks so much, and she refuses to really talk about it. Instead, she says things like, “You don’t notice when I don’t drink.”

And every time she says that, I feel even more frustrated.

Because to me, that completely misses the point. I’m not imagining this. I’m not tracking one random bad night. I’m looking at a pattern. In my eyes, having more than three drinks every day is not normal, and it’s definitely not something I can just ignore anymore. When she says I don’t notice the days she doesn’t drink, it feels like a way to dodge the real issue instead of facing it with me.

So finally, I said something I know sounds harsh.

I told her that if she’s still Dr*nking on February 1st, I’m leaving. I gave her a clear deadline. I know that sounds extreme, and honestly, I know this time of year probably makes it even worse. But I’m tired. I feel like I’ve spent two years asking, explaining, warning, and hoping she would take me seriously, and nothing has changed.

Her response was that if I’m giving ultimatums, then we need counseling.

And I told her fine. I’m open to counseling. But even with counseling, my position hasn’t changed. If she’s still Dr*nking by then, I’m out.

That’s where I’m stuck now.

Part of me feels guilty because I know ultimatums can sound controlling or cold. Marriage is supposed to be about support, not threats. But another part of me feels like this isn’t really an ultimatum out of nowhere. It’s a boundary I’m finally putting into words after years of feeling ignored. I’m not trying to punish her. I’m trying to protect myself from spending more years in a situation that feels hopeless.

Looking back, I think what hurts the most is that I don’t feel like she’s even willing to be honest with me about why this is happening. If she said she was struggling and wanted help, that would be different. But right now, it feels like denial, avoidance, and me being expected to live around it.

So now I’m left wondering whether I’m being too harsh… or whether I’ve simply waited too long to say enough is enough.